Separation anxiety is a common occurrence, we’ve pulled together some insights on how to deal with separation anxiety, exploring what separation anxiety is, how it can present, and what you can do to support your little one if they experience it.
Published: 26/02/2025
Picture the scene. It’s a bright, spring morning. You’ve packed and prepared for the nursery run. Your little one is bubbling with enthusiasm, eager to get stuck into their first day at nursery. But then, as you approach the nursery, they look up at you, eyes brimming with tears, and utters five words guaranteed to tug at any parent’s heartstrings.
“I don’t want to go.”
But why? They’ve been so excited up until now. Why the sudden change of heart? Answer: Separation anxiety.
Separation anxiety is a common occurrence, especially when children transition into nursery, but that doesn’t make it any easier to see your child so distraught.
With that in mind, we’ve pulled together some insights on how to deal with separation anxiety, exploring what separation anxiety is, how it can present, and what you can do to support your little one if they experience it.
Let’s dive in, shall we?
In children, separation anxiety is an intense emotional response to being separated (even temporarily) from caregivers. Depending on your child and their demeanour, it may present in a variety of ways, including:
As you can imagine, it’s a complex psychological issue, with many contributing factors. One cause for separation anxiety could be the lack of object permanence . At early developmental stages, when you leave your child, they may not realise that you’re coming back, this could lead to distress that manifests in a variety of ways.
According to experts, separation anxiety is caused by a mixture of environmental and biological factors, meaning some children may be genetically predisposed to develop separation anxiety—a likelihood that increases if they’re exposed to uncertain environments without proper support.
There’s often a stigma associated with separation anxiety in children, with some arguing that it’s caused by parents ‘spoiling’ their children, but this is untrue.
The reality is that separation anxiety is completely normal, and one of the stages of child development that all children will experience in some way or another, as they develop greater object permanence.
In fact, working through separation anxiety is a key part of raising confident children, as it helps them develop emotional resilience and greater independence.
But that doesn’t necessarily make it easier to handle, does it? And the sight of your child in tears, or physically clinging to you can trigger intense emotions, and even feelings of guilt.
Let’s explore how to help a child with separation anxiety. You might want to bookmark this blog to return to later.
As with any parental issue, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to supporting your child if they’re experiencing separation anxiety. Every child is unique, and their anxiety will manifest differently, and require different tactics to manage.
As such, it’s important to stay attuned to your child’s emotional state—especially as you prepare them for the transition to nursery. Nursery is a huge step for your child and will likely be the first time they’ve been separated from you for extended periods.
So, how do you deal with separation anxiety at nursery?
The transition to nursery is a seismic shift in your child’s life, so it’s only natural that they’ll experience disquiet as the big day draws near.
But you can turn that to your advantage.
As you work at preparing your child for nursery, have open discussions with them, explaining clearly the types of activities they’ll take part in, and how their days might look. Invite them to ask questions, answering calmly and honestly. By doing so, you’ll teach them that nursery isn’t anything to be afraid of.
It is also important to prepare babies and very young children when they start nursery. As described by Jenny Shaw, the Lead Academic Research and Developer at Busy Bees, using simple language to explain what is going to happen such as “Daddy will drop you off, Kayla (the key person) will look after you at nursery, then Daddy comes back”, will help babies to understand.
Some parents even opt for ‘dry runs’ of the journey to nursery, walking (or driving) the route they’ll take, which helps your child know what to expect, mitigating potential for anxiety about visiting new places.
It can also be useful to give your child an opportunity to practice being separated from you by leaving them with a trusted relative or friend for short periods of time in the weeks leading up to them starting nursery. This can be especially helpful if your child hasn’t spent much time separated from you.
Most importantly, stay upbeat and positive whenever discussing nursery with your child. They’ll take their emotional cues from you, so if you display panic or frustration, they’ll follow suit, potentially leading to a teary time at drop-off.
As they start their nursery journey, it’s only natural to want to wrap your little one in a gigantic hug and draw out your goodbye—it’s a transition for you, too.
But a prolonged, overly emotional goodbye may exacerbate your child’s feelings of anxiety, as they’ll wonder why you’re being so, well… emotional.
That’s not to say you have to go full stiff-upper-lip, though. Give them a warm cuddle, and tell them that you’ll see them later. For example, you might say:
“Have a lovely day. I’ll be back to pick you up at teatime.” (Or whatever wording you prefer.)
By doing so, you’ll reassure them that you’ll be coming back, which, even if they’re upset, they’ll find comforting once the tears subside.
In recent years, a school of thought emerged that you shouldn’t say goodbye to your child. A sort of… bucket of cold-water approach. As you can imagine, this isn’t widely recommended and will almost certainly add to your child’s anxiety.
A short goodbye, with some kind words, and maybe even a reference to what you’ll do later (i.e. “when I pick you up, we’ll go to auntie/uncle’s house”) is better for your child’s overall well-being.
It’s likely that your child will become tearful when you drop them off at nursery, especially in the early days and weeks. And while this can be distressing as a parent, it’s perfectly natural. In fact, it forms part of your little one’s emotional development as they learn to manage periods away from you.
So, no matter how tempting, don’t tell you child not to cry, as, ironically, this can upset them more as they’ll worry that they’ve done something wrong.
Nursery educators are trained to handle tears and have all manner of tricks up their sleeves to redirect your little one’s attention until you return for pick up.
Our resident expert Jenny weighs in:
“Each child has their own key person who is responsible for their care and education while they’re at nursery. Talk to them about what your child enjoys doing at home, so they can use this information to calm and distract your child if they’re distressed.”
It may seem like children live entirely in the moment. They’re joyous bundles of enthusiasm, with seemingly boundless energy. Why wouldn’t you think that?
But, in reality, children are capable of complex fore planing. Don’t believe us? Simply tell your child they’re getting ice-cream later and see if they remember.
And you can use this foresight to your advantage when managing separation anxiety at nursery. For example, you might spend some of the journey to nursery discussing what you’ll do after nursery.
It doesn’t have to be special. It could be as simple as watching a favourite movie, visiting a beloved relative, or even just what they’re having for dinner, but discussing post-nursery plans with your little one will give them something to look forward to and remind them that they’ll be coming home after nursery.
No matter how it presents, separation anxiety at nursery can be distressing for both you and your little one, but with careful planning and some go-to coping strategies, it’s possible to ease the transition and reduce your child’s anxiety.
Need a little more child development advice? Check out our blog, which is packed with tips and hacks on everything from fine motor skills activities to getting your little one ready for potty training.